Domestic violence can take many forms. Contrary to a pervasive, very common misconception, no physical violence is required. In fact, many states, including New Jersey and Pennsylvania, recognize forms of non-physical abuse as domestic violence.
Manipulative techniques such as gaslighting and DARVO are a very common tool abusers employ against their victims. The goal of manipulative abusive strategies is simple: control.
What does DARVO mean?
DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender”; it was coined by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, in 1997. It is a strategy that can be used when an abuser is confronted about abusive behavior. The result is victim-blaming, deflecting their own bad behavior, and portray themselves as the victim in the situation.
Is DARVO specific to toxic and/or abusive relationships? Or can it surface in everyday conflicts with partners?
DARVO can appear anywhere that a wrongdoer wants to maintain power and control, avoid accountability, and undermine the accuser. DARVO is a form of weaponized gaslighting that an abusive person might use to try to shift blame away from themselves to avoid an attempt to be held accountable for abusive behavior. One the effects of DARVO is to destabilize the victim and rewrite a narrative in a way that portrays the victim as the abuser. While DARVO can appear outside of romantic relationships, for the most part, if this technique is being used in an intimate relationship, it is potentially a signal of an unhealthy relationship.
Why is this technique disorienting in the moment?
Being told that you did not perceive or experience something you know you did is completely subversive to your entire world view, both in the moment and in the aftermath of these encounters. This rings even more true when your words and experiences are weaponized against you by someone who is supposed to be a partner and want what is best for you. Unfortunately, in unhealthy relationships, an abusive partner only wants what is best for them, even if that can only come at their partner’s expense.
How can DARVO potentially affect children exposed to it through their parents
Sometimes parents forget how incredibly perceptive children are. More than what they actually observe in terms of language and behavior in their presence or earshot, children make connections that can be incredibly surprising. Children can be directly subjected to DARVO by being told something they said or witnessed did not happen or did not happen in the way the child perceived. This can be incredibly unsettling and destabilizing, and can serve as a model for appropriate behavior that might inform future relationships. Children can also have shorter-term reactions that are best addressed by a mental health professional, although abusive parents rarely want third parties, including therapists, to be involved with the family for risk of having to take accountability for unhealthy behavior.