Self-care is having a moment. We can justify almost anything by calling it self-care. Partner on your nerves? Go get a massage, because self-care. Overstimulated by small children? Run out alone for a coffee, because self-care. Work extra stressful? Stop for a drink on your way home, because self-care. Don’t misunderstand: I’m big on indulging myself in little splurges and treating myself for small accomplishments, and I think it’s important to fine-tune your own reward system. If that includes regular massages or pedicures or leaving work early every so often just to have a few minutes of quiet, and that makes sense for you, you should not let anyone make you feel shame for however you treat yourself.
The reality is that “little treats” are not really getting to the root of what self-care should achieve. Self-care as social media talks about it tends to be short-lived things like the examples above, many of which create an opportunity for a break or quick dopamine hit. These are important in themselves, but ideally, self-care strategies should help accomplish more than a momentary release or escape. Often, true self-care involves deep work and thinking. Whether that is creating time for hobbies and/or exercise, eating well, deepening social relationships, or whatever serves your best self, self-care is more than indulging in little treats.
Because of this, a decision to end a relationship can absolutely be a form of self-care. If a relationship is no longer serving both parties’ psychological, emotional, and physical needs, the decision to end that relationship may be a significant act of self-care. That is not to say that the decision to end a marriage or other committed relationship should be made lightly. It is a huge decision with lasting impact that can extend beyond the parties, to children, and sometimes beyond. There is no limit to the reasons a person may find themselves in a position where deciding to end a relationship is an act of self-care, from domestic violence to simply growing into different people who are no longer suited to the relationship.
Recognizing the gravity of the decision and understanding what ending a relationship could look like for you (and your children, if you have children) is a critical starting point. Getting good advice early on and allowing for informed decisions can be instrumental in making the process easier. Then you can get to your little treats.